At this moment in today’s society we enjoy an enormous amount of sexual freedom, while I believe that if things do not change soon within our western political system and the way current world events are leading, we are losing more freedoms everyday and I fear this trend will continue. This post isn’t about our current political climate however, this post is about being judged. I believe we are at a peak in our allowance of sexual expression - yet we cannot forget that are still many conservative people that simply want the 50’s back. I was proved this point today, and to be honest I will feel this pain and sadness so physical I can feel it in my chest - for a long time. I can only imagine that this is what a black man in the 50’s being watered down by fire hoses felt like…being judged, stereotyped, and looked down upon.
I grew up in a suburb of Montreal, while only about 15 minutes drive with no traffic to the city core it was still always referred as the “boonies” by the inner-city folk - I grew up going to a particular restaurant, a mom & pop joint - and especially throughout my highschool years my friends and I would use this place as hang out - the owner loved us, had nicknames for all of us - had watched our parents grow up before us. It was always an awesome atmosphere in which we could hang out - we loved the owner, and I think he loved his clientelle, a class act of a man - lowstrung, humble, hardworking - I drew a great many ethics from him and while I was blessed with an awesome father, he took on the role of a father figure as well!
I went in today for a cheeseburger with bacon, cheese, lettuce, and tomato…the usual…we called this burger “THE burger” A simple yet effective name for this tasty treat, emphasizing the “the” to accentuate the fact that any burger but this one, just wasn’t worth having! However as I sat down, I had no nicknames thrown at me, the song he normally sang that contained my nickname was not sung, the warm welcomes and small talk did not ensue. I kid you not in the atmosphere and warmth of welcome that is achieved when walking into this joint after having gone there since you were a kid. Yet today it was cold, I felt cold - I sat down, I felt as if I didn’t belong all of a sudden. He simply sat there reading his book…perhaps he hadn’t noticed me? In 15 years this had never happened…I coughed. I coughed again…no recognizable feature upon his face changed - I figured that must be one amazing book! 30 Minutes later I got up and left.
You see I have not hidden one bit from my friends and family as to what I do now. I am completely open, I tell everyone whatever they want to know - and being my friends and my brothers, they are obviously interested in what I am doing with my life, as we are all interested about each others lives. It didn’t take long for word to spread about the first “pornographer” that many of the people in my large circle of friends and acquaintances have ever known. People ask so many questions and I am never shy to respond honestly. I decided from the start not to ever threaten myself with getting caught in a web of lies…honesty is the best policy in my mind, and I don’t need the extra stress of having to constantly watch what I say.
It took only a few phone calls to trace the source of the immense cold that radiated from the normally warm and welcoming atmosphere that normally encompasses my favorite restaurant. He’d found out what I do. This doesn’t anger me, because I made the commitment to be open - however it hurts, it hurts to the core of my soul that I have essentially been shunned from what I’ve always considered to be almost my second home. It feels like dissapointing one’s father - I’d rather him be mad at me than dissapointed. He is a conservative man, I cannot blame him for that - I just wish that while perhaps not agreeing with it, would at least accept me and think nothing less of me because of it. Why can’t life decisions be respected, regardless of what they are? (obviously within reason…I won’t accept a family members dreams of genocide just because he/she is my family member!) Everyone second guesses themselves at one point or another - and today for the first time in a long time, I’ve second guessed my life decisions…perhaps I would be happy with a normal wife, and a normal white fence, living a normal life…
…Fuck that! :D
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